Is This Normal??

Topic 20615 | Page 1

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Jill S.'s Comment
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Hello, my name is Jill, my husband drives truck, and I feel like I'm going through hell because of it. Let me start by going back a few years, I was a very social person, it makes me happy spending time with my friends, going to lunch, watching a movie, taking walks and just generally gabbing and enjoying each other's company. I don't do that anymore, maybe once every couple months. The reason I don't is because when I do, about fifty percent of the time it's a toss up on it being ok to do, or it could be a huge fight. I hadn't really gone out in a while and I woke up yesterday to my girlfriend wanting to know if I wanted to get some breakfast and hang out because we haven't in a while.

I tried to call my husband three times, and I finally thought you know what, I'm in my mid thirties if I want to meet up with her for breakfast I can, so I sent him a message telling him where I would be and I headed out. Big mistake. I had been with her about a half hour and the fighting started. It was over various things, at first it was I have to get rid of our dog, a dog he begged me for to be his truck companion and then couldn't deal with the puppy phase so he left him with me, and the kiddo pretty much destroyed our furniture, now he's talking about buying a boat over the next ten years to live on and he says the dog has to go now.

Then it got worse, he basically implied that I shouldn't just wake up and decide to go anywhere, that's what he said, as if I'm not allowed to do that. This isn't there first time. 50 percent of the time if I want to see my one of two girlfriend's that I have he makes sure it's going to be a miserable time. 25 missed calls, and message after message after message just fighting with me. Then he implied that I'm not to leave the house until I talk to him too tell him I love him, which he hears 400 times a day as most days are spent entertaining him on the phone, 3 to 4 hours a day. He said this is what truckers wives do. They don't go out. They don't hang it with friends, not even once a month, every other month, they don't, no movies, bowling, lunches, game days, nothing, a truckers wives job is to sit by the phone and wait for there to be an accident.

And how guilty and bad will I feel if he dies while I happen to be at lunch. I've rarely gone out, once a month, if that for more than an hour, and he said that I shouldn't leave the house at all because I'm not working and he is. He pays the bills, and it's thrown in my face a lot. I have medical issues I'm working it and hoping within the month I'll be back to work but he's complained about every job I've ever had, every one there's complaints, so I have to work but deal with his complaints about it nevermind the **** I put up with there it's about his problem with the place or people I work with.

My spirit is broken. I'm not who I used to be anymore, and I just need to know am I the only one being confined to the house. Anything I do with anyone else, if I'm enjoying myself that means I don't love him. Is this normal, because it feels like complete controlling insanity to me. If I saw a friend being treated like this I would be livid. And mine are. They miss their friend. I miss them. I miss myself. I don't know what to do he says this is just how it is and all truckers wives live like this, or do you guys demand this of your wives too? I dedicate my time to him when he is home, always have, but I feel like a prisoner even when he's not here.

Old School's Comment
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Jill, your man is no man at all.

This is definitely not normal, and it has nothing to do with him being a truck driver.

You deserve better than this.

Patrick C.'s Comment
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Sounds like he needs to stop worrying about what you are doing and start worrying about moving some freight. He obviously has some serious insecurity issues. What he is doing is NOT typical behavior. What he expects of you is NOT typical either. I would say he needs to see someone about the issues he is having.

Paul's Comment
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Jill, your man is no man at all.

This is definitely not normal, and it has nothing to do with him being a truck driver.

You deserve better than this.

Yes, I second that and would add that you need to talk to him about finding a marriage counselor as soon as he has home time. I would recommend speaking to a counselor yourself, perhaps a pastor. That will help you find a path forward that will honor your husband with love and understanding of what he is going through, but also will address the very real and toxic control issues he is having. Hurting people hurt people, so something is going on with your husband--but that does not give him an out. This is a problem bigger than yourself and likely bigger than your capability to fix alone. I would also add, just because I know he pays the bills and funds for this would likely be impossible to come by, pastors do this for free.

Ernie S. (AKA Old Salty D's Comment
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Jill,

I agree with the other reply's so far, he has an issue with wanting to control your every minute.

Let me explain. I am retired Navy, my wife and I have been married for almost 36 years. I have never tried to control her time while I'm away. I have been driving for almost 6 years now, we have had our ups & downs over the years (both military and driving).

My wife, like you, is a social butterfly. When I'm at home (which I am now), we do most everything together. We still have our lives to live, and our own things we need to take care of, but try to coordinate them so we spend as much time together when the situation permits.

Like Old School said, you deserve better than what you are going through right now.

Both of you need to sit down and come to some sort of agreement on how to make this work for both of you. It isn't easy sometimes, but I have found as the old saying goes, "It takes 2 to tango". Meaning it take both of you to make this work.

Hope all this works out for both of you. Keep us posted as to the outcome please.

Ernie

Chris M's Comment
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Yeah that's definitely not a good situation to be in, but it doesn't have anything to do with him being a truck driver. It sounds like he's just a piece of crap person if I can be frank.

I really hate you're having to deal with that. I can say 100% that it's not "just how it is" and all truckers wives do not live like that. If he's that controlling when he's away, I think it's probably a good assumption that he's that controlling all the time.

I don't want to tell you what to do, but I will tell you that I've seen a very similar situation and it's not going to just improve on its own. You're going to have to be straight forward with him, and if he doesn't accept that, or if he gets worse, you're going to have to make an uncomfortable decision.

I wish you the best and really do hope everything works out for you

Cornelius A.'s Comment
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Jill I am not a trucker but I have read thousands of posts on this site and I know for sure that the guys here show the utmost respect for the family. Think about this.... he is asking you to get reed of the dog because he is jealous of the fact that the dog is keeping you company .... really? he should be worried about the safety of people out there when riding in this 80k# rig

Susan D. 's Comment
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I'd have filed for a divorce already. An abusive man is no man at all and abuse is never ok or normal.

Big T's Comment
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The trucking lifestyle is not an easy lifestyle for families or relationships. If there are any weaknesses or insecurities they will be amplified ten fold.

In a "normal" trucking family the driver handles the road business and the one at home handles the house business. When the driver is home they do what they need to do.

My guess is that even though you are a social butteryfly you didn't do much without him before he went on the road. That or you didn't go out without his permission.

If I tried telling my wife she had to stay home while I was on the road I wouldn't have a wife or a home anymore. She has her life that still gets lived. It's not her problem that I chose a career that takes me away from the house for weeks at a time.

My wife lets me know if she is going out, or going somewhere like Disneyland so I know she is on the road. More importantly she lets me know she got home safe. That's it though. It's for information purposes only. She never asks my permission.

I will parrot others advice. You need counseling and maybe this isn't the right career or relationship.

Best of luck to you.

HOS:

Hours Of Service

HOS refers to the logbook hours of service regulations.
Errol V.'s Comment
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Jill's story (in short):

I was a very social person, ... just generally gabbing and enjoying each other's company. I don't do that anymore, ... The reason I don't is because when I do, about fifty percent of the time it's a toss up on it being ok to do, or it could be a huge fight.
I talk to him to tell him I love him, which he hears 400 times a day as most days are spent entertaining him on the phone

Part one: You becoming isolated from your friends is a prime, #1, first symptom of an abusive relationship. You are being abused.

Part two: you continue to say you love him, and you believe that. This is also a symptom of abuse.

Now abuse isn't always getting beat up. Abuse can be by threat, or working your emotions and thoughts.

You are being abused. I assume he is a trucker (or why would you post on a trucking forum?). If he's on the road, you can play the phone game for a day or two, as you fill your car with the stuff you need, meaning clothes, personal things, "your" special items (don't forget the Christmas decorations!)

You need to contact an abused women's shelter. Here is a national toll free number 24/7:

800-799-7233

You can call now (as in right now), an expert counselor will help you get through this situation.

If you're worried about where to go, these shelters are secret, and guarded locations. I have donated stuff to local shelters. I had to go to the main office, and never learned the shelter's location. You can imagine how they deal with men coming up looking for their run-away woman!

Time to go. Call.

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