Comments By fakeprof

I have histrionic or quiet borderline personality or some combination of the two. That's me. That's life. We're not all pretty humans with perfect software and hardware. I'm a kind soul deep down with a big heart and that is my saving grace. But I am that guy who absolutely goes nuclear when I experience compounding stressors without intervention or help. I didn't know this when I was in TNT. I would learn this after completing my 30k miles successfully, in spite of it. We're all humans, if you're not perfect, be kind to yourself. Find help. Get treatment. Don't suffer alone. If your family is a little shop of horrors, get away from them. If your life is depressing in one direction, go another direction. Don't suffer.

I'm almost reluctant to continue writing about my TNT experience from this point forward. After the meltdown I discussed in the previous post, I checked out of reality. I was me. But I wasn't me. I was some THING else. I was in limp mode. Some higher power inside me came to my rescue and gave me the power to do the one thing I struggle with most in life: asking for help; or redemption; or a second chance. It's so taxing to my personality it absolutely destroys me when I feel like I can't handle simple life problems on my own.

The rest of my TNT is a wash of teach-show-do. I was very fortunate to have a TNT trainer who said 'okay' when I pleaded with him on the side of the highway as he was taking a whiz (in the middle of the night in the middle of bum-**** Utah) to take me back so that I could complete my TNT training. I honestly felt like a ghost. I was just following steps to survive and keep my place in this world so that I would have some place to come back to and have an occupation. A purpose. Anything. But I wasn't me. Not by a long shot. I was in survival mode.

I don't say this with a light heart: if you find yourself in this place, try to get to a place of safety. Find mental help. Get medication if you need it. Get therapy, even if you're like me and you cannot stand talking to someone you think is a complete fool. In truth, you're going to end up in this place no matter what, because the only the other option is suicide.

I completed my TNT successfully and somehow managed to get an apartment in Oregon despite all kinds of torturous issues knee-deep in COVID. I really don't know how I made it through all of that without collapsing. But I did it. And I'm deeply proud of myself. But in the end, I had to check out of Prime Inc because I was no longer the person I was when I applied for training. I was a monster.

My first 7-10 days in TNT was mostly teach-show-do.

I was really lucky to have a highly organized TNT trainer who had clear linear methods for going through all the various tasks from pre-trip, fueling, locating parking (overnight) options, and getting us to our various waypoints safely and efficiently.

I regret to say that I wasn't in a good head space to meet my TNT trainer at the level he was training me. Brain fog was turning into depression as I overanalyzed every little detail along the way rather than going with the flow. If you read my trainee thread, I think you'll understand why this was the case. Even still, at the end of that first week, I experienced a nervous breakdown of sorts which had me pacing outside the truck talking to my limerence friend seeking emotional support, only to find none there, and then finally having an 'episode' on my trainer and dispatcher and fleet manager. I didn't receive any understanding from anyone; and I pushed back hard and said I was finished. Get me off the truck.

Fortunately, God, or some higher power stepped in... (next post).

Qualcomm/Garmin GPS/iPhone or Android Maps

Don't care how we get there, just get us there legally, on-time, and don't damage the trailer or tractor.

This said: the QUALCOMM (Which is God if you're a company driver, which both my TNT driver and I was), is often out of sync with reality. Do not be surprised if the QUALCOMM instructs you to take an exit which will have you make a U-turn on the highway you've been on randomly half way to your destination.

This is why we have Garmin or Rand McNally GPS or your phone GPS even to 'double check' what QUALCOMM is telling you to do. As a new truck driver student, be kind to yourself when you blindly take instructions from your primary GPS unit sending you in the wrong direction (usually an infinite loop of U-turns!) until you learn how to finesse these instructions with your GPS unit (which you must buy on your own) to get to your intended destination.

I do not wish to turn this into a GPS unit discussion, so I will say simply that I learned how to use the Garmin GPS my trainer had onboard and that influenced my decisions to purchase a Garmin DEZL (pronounced 'diesel' for anyone that cares) OTR 800. I'm sure someone would like to tell me how I made the wrong choice. I dropped about $400 on it (on sale) so please keep this to yourself. I've spent hours on GPS threads. It's a wash which one is 'the best'. Everyone has their own reasons. My logic is: your phone loaded with 3rd party apps and a little bit of research will give you the best of all worlds if you're patient and diligent in learning your equipment. It was abundantly clear to me that my trainer wasn't the sort of guy to read the details of his GPS unit -- it wasn't properly setup, but it got the job done and I was sold on this particular unit for my own SOLO endeavors.

The most important thing to understand is that the built-in company GPS Qualcomm is pretty awful and unreliable and you will learn very quickly why it is an irritating and distracting (safety?) instrument. I'll leave this discussion at that.

If you haven't done so already, I recommend you read my posts under the header: "Prime Inc - Flatbed/Reefer - CDL Trainee" ... this topic picks up exactly where I left off.

Within a few short days of obtaining my CDL, I got a call while sitting in the lobby of SLC terminal with my limerence friend (read prior posts) that I would begin my TNT on December 29. I was the first person in my cohort to start TNT, despite having experienced some major technical difficulties (to say the least) finalizing my CDL in California.

I was absolutely ecstatic. It was abundantly clear my TNT trainer was aligned with my personality in more than just a few ways. [Note: take your time filling out that personality assessment they give you on Day 1 PSD]. Quick summary: about 10 years older than me, type A personality with ADHD complex (all of us, right?) and otherwise very honest and straightforward guy.

I wish I could tell you that I was ready for TNT. After my ordeal finalizing my CDL I was honestly exhausted and irritable and not the same guy I was when I arrived in Salt Lake City. I needed rest. Quality sleep. No such luck.

We departed the same day he arrived. First load took us to Minnesota. I had only been there once back in 1998 on a summer vacation. In the winter time, it's cold. Bone chilling cold. I didn't have adequate equipment to keep me warm, despite having 'layers'. Minus 10 degrees with wind-chill introduced me to a level of cold I wasn't prepared for.

My TNT trainer was cool as a cucumber. He sat in the B-seat for the first hour or so before we departed on I-80 thru Wyoming during a heavy snow storm with significant wind. TNT is nothing like the training you receive in PSD. I repeat...

We were on a schedule. We had a destination that we had to hit by a certain time. My trainer was just like me in that he desired most to pick up the slack at the front of the trip so that any hiccups along the way could be resolved. But still, I was completely exhausted and my first 8 hours behind the wheel was blinding white blizzard conditions and virtually no other vehicles on the highway. We were literally the last truck on the highway passing through a major storm event. This is the reality of trucking. You can either press on and stay 'ahead' of the storm (which means, press on until you can no longer drive). But this is actually the game that makes trucking easy. My trainer was pleased with the fact that I was onboard with him when it came to 'staying ahead of the storm'. My entire TNT experience could be summarized using the words 'stay ahead of the storm'. That's winter driving as a trucker.

On New Years Eve 2022, my TNT trainer backed us into a tricky 'hole' at a local truck stop within a short distance of our destination, and we enjoyed some quality food before hitting the sack. Despite -10 degree temps outside and heavy winds, the truck stays warm and toasty. On the night before my first delivery I learned the importance of adding anti-gel to the fuel to prevent the engines from stalling in sub-zero temps.

In the AM, the truck was very slow to turn over. But that's business as usual I would learn.

We hauled our produce load to the destination, and my TNT trainer pretty much processed the paperwork and bumped the dock and set us up to unload. I was grateful. It was nice to be able to 'watch and learn' rather than having skin in the game. I was still exhausted and mentally out of it. My trainer asked me to lower the landing gear and I felt like a complete amateur when I couldn't perform this simple task.

It was -20 with wind-chill and I did NOT have the proper equipment to keep my hands (and the rest of my body) adequately warm while performing these simple procedures. To boot: the landing gear was frozen up and required some gut wrenching to lower it so that we could move the tractor away from the trailer while unloading (this was the SOP of the receiver).

The landing gear is the most annoying piece of equipment on the trailer. Always make sure it's operating smoothly. My TNT trainer admitted this one was a bit stiff. I was absolutely winded trying to lower this while my fingers were completely numb after just a few minutes of exposure. I'm a California boy... I had never encountered these temps for this duration in my life.

That was my first load with Prime. Minnesota is beautiful in the winter - just as long as you're warm and cozy inside your truck. :)

Limerence.

There's a lack of discussion about mental health issues. Virtually EVERY person I met in my cohort had some issues that merit medication/therapy or some kind of major intervention.

I lost my spouse to cancer in December 2020. It ruined me. I felt like a shell of human.

I met a couple wonderful people while living at the Ramada Inn and slaving away daily on the 'Pad' in Salt Lake City. One of these folks I felt some deep connection with that I could not describe. I was madly in love. I had just lost my spouse. I was still having crying fits on a fairly regular basis. If you lose your best friend and spouse, trust me, you're going to disconnect from reality. It's unreal. I fell in love with someone who was a reminder of someone I lost. And this was happening while I was honestly trying my best to focus on obtaining my CDL, get OTR training and begin my career.

I don't know how to summarize this but if you feel these things, don't be afraid. Be kind to yourself. Humans have an infinite capacity to love. This turned into an obsession I suddenly I felt like I wasn't myself. Right around Thanksgiving I departed from the person I was when I came to Prime for my first day. I felt like I was caught in an emotional vortex. I'll talk about this in more detail because honestly mental health issues are suppressed in the United States, and they shouldn't be. Sometimes we become broken humans who need a little bit of help.

I fell 'in limerence' with someone that I felt safe being around while learning lots of new skills and taking on all kinds of stressors I hadn't imagined. It built me up and destroyed me all at once. I was no longer Moose. I was someone or something else. I felt detached from the universe as if I were out of my mind and just watching myself from a distance. The person I developed this emotional attachment with wasn't even the kind of person I would ordinarily be attached to. I would learn many months later that people who survive traumatic events (watching your best friend and spouse slowly die from chemical interventions to treat cancer) often find themselves in this 'head space' for a period of time. Be kind to yourself. We're all human. We like to think we're all in control of ourselves with logic and reasoning. But when the cards are dealt and you have to face the music of what's really happening, life will put you through a trance and you will come out a better person on the other side, but not before going through a personal hell that no one on this earth could possibly imagine.

DMV issue... back and forth to Utah!

One part of the story I left out deliberately a year ago had to do with a minor and yet taxing fiasco to finalize my CDL. I'm going to keep this brief. This post is purely to remind you that you should try to keep your head up and stay positive even when it feels like the world is closing in on you.

I told you passed my CDL. I didn't tell you that the DMV tester in SLC made an error submitting my finalized paperwork. This guy is an absolute professional, so I honestly wasn't worried. I'm not blaming here. This is just a post to maintain the truth (trucking truth?) of what ACTUALLY went down, just in case someone else has this happen to them.

Here goes:

My California drivers license # was input into the DMV system Prime uses incorrectly. This created a delay which I was quickly informed would set me back for an 'indefinite' amount of time. I asked the Safety Manager how long 'indefinite' is in his mind and he said: days, weeks, months. And then he suggested that I retake the most stressful exam of my life for the second time. After all, I had passed this exam, I was good to go, right?

My paranoia shot thru the roof as I replayed the tape of me signing off my successfully passing my DMV drivers test in the pad office ... using a #2 pencil to sign my name. I don't know if this protocol is still in effect, but I was told by the DMV tester this is how things are done. I had to swallow my knowledge of the United States legal system and believe him. After all, this document is being scanned and forwarded to a government entity. Something did not sit right. Especially when after a few days of waiting for this problem to be resolved, the guy who administered my driving test and failed to properly input my data into the computer system (even though this guy is really sharp; accidents happen!) asked me in a very casual way if I wouldn't mind 'just' repeating the behind the wheel DMV exam for the second time. Let this sink in for a moment and imagine it's you.

I lost my ****. Honest. I had already driven back to CA (the state I was no longer living in) and paid for multiple nights in a hotel in Sacramento, CA so that I could finalize my CDL and drive myself back to Salt Lake City, UT. My friends who passed their DMV drive test were now at home with their CDL in hand and waiting comfortably with their family enjoying a PAID holiday as they waited for a TNT trainer to be assigned to them.

Meanwhile, replaying the events in my head over and over, I sped back to Salt Lake City, UT and initiated my own investigation of where my application was in the intrastate databank so that I could get me CDL. I ended up calling all concerned parties and calling Utah DMV and California DMV to figure out exactly what was going on. Paranoia at this point had developed into a fully-fledged meltdown. I honestly believed that they were manipulating documentation using pencil signature paperwork to push students thru who could NOT pass by utilizing honest exams (mine) in place. To be frank: this is highly plausible. It did not set well in me. I was urged by pad trainers and the DMV tester once more to 'just' take the exam again. The most stressful exam of my life. WTF.

Long story short, through my own investigation and urging relevant parties (and going over lots of Prime heads I probably should not have gone above), I was finally able to book a flight to LA, grab an Uber to the commercial DMV, and obtain my CDL. I felt redeemed. I felt ashamed for believing Prime was engaging in unscrupulous tactics. With a grin plastered on my face, I Ubered back to LAX (airport) and flew back to Salt Lake City all in one very stressful, taxing, exhausting day. I also did all of this on my own dime (-$600). I didn't press this issue with Prime because I was so thrilled to be done and have my commercial drivers license in hand. But in truth, this really ****ed me off. If I hadn't taken action and gone over the heads of the parties involved, I am certain I would have been stuck in the Ramada Inn waiting for weeks or months before I finally broke down and just did what the DMV tester and Safety Director requested me to do.

Take from this story what you want. My advice is, when you get caught in a bureaucratic krap-shoot, keep your calm (it's hard; really hard!), and focus on each step that you can take to solve the problem you are facing. No one else in my cohort had to deal with this, to my knowledge. Maybe this is the price of being a stand-out student? I don't wish to think ill of Prime because on the whole I believe it is a really good company. My upcoming posts should clarify this, so please don't see this as me fear mongering. It's just the truth... trucking truths are sometimes painful and irritating and downright inhuman. This is one such example.

The saga continues... my experience with TNT (over the road team training 30k miles) and a reversal of fortune/mental health issues.

I had intended for my last post (1y3m back!) to be my final word on Prime. As of today, I realize there is more to this story that needs to be told. Please stay tuned for posts where I discuss in-depth my experience OTR and my return to Prime after a self-imposed mental health sabbatical.

As always, feel free to ask any questions relevant to the content of this diary.

~Moose

Thanks so much Anne!

COUNT ME IN!!

I'm sorry, I didn't say Congrats, proper . . by MY standards!! :)

:P Dispatch is LURKING, haha!

Best to ya, man!

~ Anne & Tom! ~

Thank you! :)

Congrats on passing you CDL exam, Moose!

Thank you! 😂

Congratulations!