About To Lose My Mind

Hi guys,

I know some of you are familiar with me, some may not be, I need to just vent and it's almost 530 AM so I may not be making much sense since I haven't slept well. To be blunt my dive into the world of trucking is not going as well as I had hoped. I have failed the CDL state exam 3 times already (point out on backing each time) and only have two more times to take it here I Oregon before I have to wait a whole year.

In the middle of all of this I now find out that my mother has a possible terminal condition with her lungs (cancer).

I am frankly losing my mind a bit. I come from a very traumatic background- Alcoholism, substance abuse and mental illness within my family - I never did the substance abuse stuff bt I have lost a father to the mental illness and a cousin to alcoholism.

I hate to sound like a whiny b!tc@ as I know many folks out there have it worse, but I feel like my whole life, that life has frankly just been against me, dealing with some of the most difficult of circumstances and people possible, I have been homeless myself before (albeit not for long thank god) and now face that real possibility at the end of next month as I wont have rent for January.

All I want to do is work like anyone else, I wanted a change in life and tried..to hell with it. I dont want to keep rambling and sounding like a victim. I'll shut up, I just needed to get chit off my chest.

Thanks

Sometimes you have to vent. The internet is great for it.

Our backgrounds are very similar. I come from a history of substance abuse and I learned to stay away from it because of what I saw. You have to learn how to distance yourself from it and not let it consume you. It took me a long time to learn how to do that. When I did, I started making better decisions and my life improved greatly.

As for failing the test, it sounds like you're going in there with distractions. Your mom's health issues suck and it's a hard thing to deal with. I don't know how to advise you here. I can tell you that the test is very easy if you're completely focused. If you go into it thinking about your upbringing and worrying about your mom, you're going to have a hard time. Backing is problem solving. Stop and talk to yourself. Ask yourself what do you have to do to get yourself in the hole (giggity). Slow down and think about it.

My license doesn't say how long it took to be back up. It doesn't say how many pullups or GOALS I used and it doesn't say how long it took me to do a pretrip. I don't know what my score was. People here say I scored this or that. I didn't care to ask, the man said I passed and that was all I needed. You'll do great once you learn how to focus on the tasks at hand without worrying about everything else going on in your life. Focus on the test and the end result. When you're there, worry about everything else later.

Totally agree with Banks here.

Your mom "might" have cancer. I was told a few years ago "Your mother's blood levels indicate stage 4 cancer, but we cant find it, but her calcium and potassium levels should never be that high. It indicates terminal cancer".

W R O N G!

After a week in the hopsitpal, my mom jumped out of bed and yelled at them "im.old and needed a battery recharge. now im going home". No cancer, no nothing. slight anemia, but she always had that. they claim she may have had a stroke or heart attack but dont know which after all those tests.

they told me last year i had cancer, removed the tumor... W R O N G! benign. Now they are driving me nuts again with that crap... and i have to go for procedures in Jan to see whats going on. and apparently my hormone levels from that are effecting my eyes so i need surgery on my eyes or eventually will get glaucoma. Found this out when my contacts wouldnt stay in cause my eye shape changed.. go figure.

My point.... dont let things destroy your life until you know for sure there is something to worry about.

As for your background....most have similar ones. Im.not trying to have a contest here... but I was 3 when my Dad committed suicide in our home with everyone there. leaving my mom with 5 kids. My sister was 47 when she OD'd after a five year bought of progressive schizophrenia.

i could go on... but my point....

our past does not define us.... our actions do.

I have lived my life from a bucket list and already did it all. i gotta make a new list. But when i die, I will do so knowing i faced every challenge head on, did everything i ever wanted, and hopefully touched a few lives.

How do you want to live?

Hang in there.

WOW !!! What a great attitude. You are so correct: either dictate your life, or your life will dictate to you and it won't be pretty. Life is not easy for most of us and never will be fair to most. Make your life what you want it to be, not the other way around.

Moses,

Sorry for your troubles and challenges. Hang in there. Stay focused. The other things will work out over time. Stay in the moment!

You know what they call the person who finished last in medical school?

DOCTOR!

And the person who just barely passed their CDL exam?

DRIVER!

(Tester had to total me up to find out if I passed or not) Made road test by 12 points! Picked up 6 or more points in one bad turn!

WOW !!! What a great attitude. You are so correct: either dictate your life, or your life will dictate to you and it won't be pretty. Life is not easy for most of us and never will be fair to most. Make your life what you want it to be, not the other way around.

Thanks. My mom is a very negative person and tries to rain on every parade. I once went on vacation where I enjoy bungee jumping, parasailing and snorkeling and such. She said" You know a guy's cord broke and he died bungee jumping!"

uh yeah. If i die in a tropical paradise enjoying life in a place most people cant afford to go or cant due to family obligations.... Do NOT be upset. Just say "She died having a great time in Aruba, good for.her, she was happy". lol

Moses sweetie.... how are things today?

Doing alright, haven't done anything rash or emotional. I am in what I call Terminator mode, doingbwhat i need to do without alot of happy face....gettingbbetter bit by bit. I have decided to join a gym and start lifting weights and hitting the body bag. Sitting around the house is no bueno

Planet fitness $10 per. I am slowly surrendering to what will be will be, hard as heck though with my mom. The big C is turd.

Will know lore when I visit in a week, I'll keep postws

Thank you kersey

Moses

All I want to do is work like anyone else, I wanted a change in life and tried..to hell with it.

Moses, there's good news and bad news. The good is so much better than the bad news, though.

The bad news? You have a very common condition that most of our society has. You are simply uninspired.

Lacking inspiration normally leads to depression, alcoholism, a lack of fitness, many unhealthy habits, and ultimately a very unfulfilling life that lacks real purpose or meaning. You're not dreaming big or following real passions you may have. You are not challenging yourself to your core. You're existing from day to day, trying to get by, and always wondering why you bother. Life seems like an endless struggle without a worthwhile reward, and it is.

The good news? There's an easy fix. It takes some effort on your part to get the ball rolling, but once you do it's exciting as hell and you'll start living a life that's truly inspiring. You'll jump out of bed in the morning, eager to get after it each day because you're passionate about the dreams you're pursuing. The challenges you’ve chosen leave you no time to wonder what you should do with each day. There's so much to do, there's so much to look forward to, and the thrill of the pursuit fills you with optimism and excitement.

What you need to do is find your "why" in life. Why do you live? Why do you exist? What is your purpose?

Right now you're getting out of bed each day and forcing yourself to live better and be happier. It won't work. Why? Because why bother? If you don't have a goal that inspires you to push yourself, struggle, work hard, and overcome obstacles then it's all just a lot of pain with no reward at the end.

What you need to do is find your purpose in life. Find your passion. Dream big and come up with goals that seem so outrageous that people literally laugh out loud when you say them. Challenge yourself to do things you may think are impossible and don't stop pursuing them until you've succeeded.

One of the biggest influences in my life is Tony Robbins. I've been reading his books and watching his videos for 20 years. I also pay a lot of money to get personal 1-on-1 coaching from one of his life coaches, and it's highly effective. Tony Robbins is not a motivator. What he'll do is help you understand why your life is unfulfilling and teach you how to challenge yourself in ways that make your life exciting, fun, and inspiring.

Instead of forcing yourself to live better, find a goal that inspires you and challenges you to your core. Then you'll naturally live better in the pursuit of that goal and feel better because you're living a life filled with purpose and passion. Here is one of Tony's videos. Let me preface it with this - I'm a very intelligent guy who lives an unbelievably exciting, fulfilling, and passionate life and it's because I've always followed the principles that Tony Robbins helps people understand. I'm telling you it's well worth your time to listen to a bunch of his videos. If you like what you hear you should read one of his books. My favorite is "Awakening The Power WIthin"