A New Trucker’s Wife, On A Rollercoaster Ride Of Emotions…

Topic 22703 | Page 2

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Rainy 's Comment
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Verizon seems to be decent. However i have noticed that some of these truck stops purposely jam us so we have to buy their wifi. some truck stop.wifi can be earned credits like we get the free showers with fuel purchases.

There is a signal booster called WeeBoost I was planning on getting. it increases signals where it is weak. If you have no signal at all, it wont help. Also if someone next to you has one, it gets interrupted.

and thank you for the compliment

OOS:

When a violation by either a driver or company is confirmed, an out-of-service order removes either the driver or the vehicle from the roadway until the violation is corrected.

HomeHalf's Comment
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@Rainy----I appreciate the info on the wifi. And you earn every compliment you are given.

There is no telling what kind of gadgets they will come up with in the next few years. We still have an 18 year old that graduates this year and a 16 year old that has two more years in school. Hubs and I both feel that one of our greatest accomplishments is that all of our four kids have been able to have all of the same friends throughout school K-12. He moved a lot when he was younger and I moved twice during my school years so being able to give that to our kids was really important to us. I have to be here to make sure these two stay on track and graduate like they are supposed to.

Plus, I really think this is the his moment to shine. He needs to take all the time necessary to adjust to his new way of life. I don't feel like I am sacrificing anything really, just sad sometimes because I miss him. It has gotten easier to adjust these last few weeks. I think I will be able to put on my big girl panties and get through it just fine.

one of the things I look for that I don't find enough of is what do Y"all need from the homehalf? what can I do to make it easier for him. For the last 18 years I have always enjoyed doing everything for him and now he is suddenly so independent. I feel like I am shirking my wifely duties. I want to have anything he could want or need at home before he even gets here for home time. If anyone has any suggestions that would be great. I know he will be tired. I know he will be anxious about getting back out there at least for the first few weeks of training. Plus essentially living in a closet with a total stranger is going to be extra stressful. I just want to make it easier for him any way I can.

Thanks for any advice. Everyone stay safe out there

TWIC:

Transportation Worker Identification Credential

Truck drivers who regularly pick up from or deliver to the shipping ports will often be required to carry a TWIC card.

Your TWIC is a tamper-resistant biometric card which acts as both your identification in secure areas, as well as an indicator of you having passed the necessary security clearance. TWIC cards are valid for five years. The issuance of TWIC cards is overseen by the Transportation Security Administration and the Department of Homeland Security.

Rainy 's Comment
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IF he winds up getting a truck that has a fridge with a freezer, make him meals he can take with him. He can put them in the microwave and get an at home feeling. If you wash his clothes, put little notes in the pockets so every day he still feels you are there. Being understanding is sometimes the best thing you can do. Picking him up from the truck will excite him, but gice him space to be exhausted and probably smelly and needing a shower.

Also ask if he needs help organizimg the truck like getting plastic containers or sheets or whatever. just buying his monthly supplies together and perhaps loading the truck is "supportive togetherness".

u will be fine.

HomeHalf's Comment
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thank-you-2.gif

Rob T.'s Comment
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Please forgive me for posting as I'm clearly not a lady. I periodically pop into this section to better understand what a drivers spouse goes through to help understand what my wife goes through as she tries to keep the negatives to a minimum.

one of the things I look for that I don't find enough of is what do Y"all need from the homehalf? what can I do to make it easier for him.

I'd say the time you guys have together make the most of it. Even though with my job I'm home daily I have so much I need to get done just to get ready to go back out unfortunately I don't have much time to help with cleaning or making meals. I'm not the kind of guy that feels it's a womans job by any means but it means a lot coming home to a clean home and a hot meal when its dinner time. Its one less thing to stress about. My wife stays home with our 3 young kids so she calls me quite frequently throughout the day and it gets frustrating when she's always complaining about the kids being naughty. I understand her job isn't easy but it makes me feel like less of a parent that she's more or less raising them on her own while I'm gone. One time she said something she didn't mean in the way that I took it. We had a real minor difference in ideas regarding one of our children. She didn't want to really listen to what I had to say about it and I told her how I felt. I told her that we're equals and that we need to be on the same page. I was told no we weren't as she's the one dealing with them all the time while I'm too busy with work. Again, she didn't mean it the way it came out but it's really stuck with me and has made me go out of my way even more to be a dad while I'm with them. It's really easy for the spouse at home to feel like they're doing everything while the one on the road isn't helping with anything. I can assure you it's not easy being away from our spouse or kids but we do it because it provides a better life for those at home that we love. One suggestion I've seen mentioned quite a bit is the first day home don't expect him to do anything besides sleep or sit on the couch. Save all the family and friend get togethers for the next day. Also, no matter how frustrated you get don't try to get involved in his work. My wife has a tendency if she feels I'm being treated poorly, often due to her not understanding the industry or the whole story, telling me she's going to call my employer and "tell them off". Allow the one on the road to handle their own business as nothing good will come from you getting involved. Most of all be supportive of him. There will be days he misses you guys, or has a real rough day and is ready to quit. Don't allow him to make impulse decisions.

HOS:

Hours Of Service

HOS refers to the logbook hours of service regulations.
Rainy 's Comment
member avatar

Rob, you just mentioned a ton of stuff i said in my article which just reaffirms that no matter male or female, a trucker can see things the same way.

Something that could be of interest, Rob mentioned his wife complaining.

Dr John Gray wrote "Men are from mars, women are from Venus" and many variations over the past couple decades.

In the books he talks about how women dump their problems on each other just to relieve themselves of frustration. Men on the other hand are logical and want to fix everything. Men brains assume when a woman says "the car wouldn't start today and it was annoying."... that she is expecting a solution to a problem. She isnt. So the man then says "did it try to turnover or was the battery dead? did you jump it? well did you check blah blah blah..did you call AAA?"

I dont need a man to tell me to get it to a mechanic. I just wanted to vent about it. Big Scott and I are great friends but he does this to.me all the time. What I hear sometimes is "You are too stupid to have thought to jumo the battery". He doesnt rhink that at all, but in my emotion and response to his attempts to help, that is how i feel.

One of the lines in the book was loosely, "Guys, just listen to her vent for 20 min and she will appreciate it. Ignore her and you will be hearing her complain for weeks.". thats true.

It isnt fair your wife wasnt listening to you, and im sorry her words hurt you. Most likely it is frustration. And perhaps fear of what you havent said yet. Many times mothers feel like their whole world revolves around kids and a normal adult converstion is rare.

And forgive me for trying to break down her comment...but she may very well have meant it differently. Think of.this.... she is the bad guy in their eyes. When you are gone, she is the disciplinarian, telling them to get off the videos games and do their homework, and even if it is just telling them no candy. She is the bad guy. Then you come home and you are the "good fun guy". So it isnt necesarily that you arent equal in decision making or parenting, but in the caregiving aspect. She deals with the brunt of the consequences of both of your parenting decisions. The same as you dont want her "equally" involved in your job by telling off dispatch. You two assumed the traditional homemaker/wage earner roles, so her "job" is the kids. It is part of her identity, so maybe expecti g you to fix things makes her feel like a bad worker, wife, mother.

Think about it...you meet someone, "What do you do for a living?" and you say "Im a trucker". its part of who you are. She would say, "Im a wife and mother". Except she rarely feels like a good wife with you gone, and then you tell her she is wrong in parenting. Basically, she could have been hearing "You can't even handle the kids right and its your only job." In addition, our society screams for womens equality, but bashes women who choose to be "just a homemaker". We were supposed to be fighting for choices, now we have none. Her self worth may be wrapped in you and those kids and she may have heard "you suck".

not trying to defend her. maybe on a nice relaxed night away from the kiddies you can explain how you feel without being accusatory or dredging up that particular converasation. THAT converation could trigger a fight...but more a general discussion about parenting and your role and desire to not want her to feel alone.

,

HOS:

Hours Of Service

HOS refers to the logbook hours of service regulations.

OOS:

When a violation by either a driver or company is confirmed, an out-of-service order removes either the driver or the vehicle from the roadway until the violation is corrected.

Rob T.'s Comment
member avatar

Rainy no reason to forgive ya, as usual you hit it on the head! After that statement from her (couple months ago) the following day after I had time to think about it and kids went to bed we had a long discussion about quite a few things including that comment. Her feeling like the disciplinarian and needing to do everything for them while I get to come home and lay on the floor and play with them is where she felt we weren't equal. For her to tell them they can't do something all day then I come home and don't have to do anything but play with them I see how that would be upsetting. I can't blame her for the frustration I can't imagine dealing with the constant whining all day, every day. Kids are 3, 2, and 4 months. Often times she feels down because she doesn't feel she contributes and it forces me to work so many hours to give them the life we have. What she often forgets is the cost of daycare where I'm at is about $200 per kid, per week. Financially it makes more sense for her to stay home than basically just working for someone else to raise the kids. My father in law has been a driver for over 40 years so unfortunately she grew up with him gone all the time. We had an agreement if I got into the industry we would make sure we maximize the time we have together. Shes very supportive of my career choice but it's easy to see why she feels alone, and frustrated. Really, who wouldn't be? The days I work I only spend a couple hours with them before needing to sleep to head back out. It doesn't leave hardly any time for us to be a couple, alone without the kids. Thankfully we both understand why we do what we do, sure we have disagreements but who doesn't. Thank you for such a spot on response. I shall disappear now smile.gif

SAP:

Substance Abuse Professional

The Substance Abuse Professional (SAP) is a person who evaluates employees who have violated a DOT drug and alcohol program regulation and makes recommendations concerning education, treatment, follow-up testing, and aftercare.

OWI:

Operating While Intoxicated

HomeHalf's Comment
member avatar

No Rob don't disappear. For once I feel like I can contribute instead of begging for advice. Our kids are 16, 18, 20 and 22. I promise I have years of experience with the ups and downs.

I have to log in to work so I don't have time yet to say what I want to say but please come back later when you have time.

SAP:

Substance Abuse Professional

The Substance Abuse Professional (SAP) is a person who evaluates employees who have violated a DOT drug and alcohol program regulation and makes recommendations concerning education, treatment, follow-up testing, and aftercare.

HomeHalf's Comment
member avatar

I changed diapers for 8 solid years. As old as my kids are that is still the one thing that I think back and say, good grief all the damn diapers I changed.

I was lucky that my sister did not work so she watched the kids for us cheap enough for it to make since for me to work. I worked at the same place as hubs also so that afforded us time during the morning ride, lunch, and the ride home together. When the kids were sick and someone had to miss work our boss always got the choice as to who was out. It was always me because hubs ran a bigger department than I did. Then suddenly I was called into the office and they told me (actual words) "You do a great job here but, you are just a woman with too many responsibilities outside of work. We have to let you go" That is when I became the homehalf and the hubs did all of the money making. He wasn't a trucker then but he would be gone for 14 hours a day, sometimes 7 days a week to make as much money as he could. I felt guilty. I felt like even though I was constantly working in the house and taking care of the kids, I wasn't contributing. The weeks where he barely had enough money left over to buy gas to get to work, much less for a decent lunch were really tough for me. Those damn diapers are expensive!! I would turn my own feelings of guilt into anger towards him over the smallest little thing. It wasn't his fault but in the heat of the moment I was just so frustrated that I would too say things that I did not really mean.

Tell your wife it really gets easier. Even fun!!! I thought I was gonna lose my mind when they were so small but now I love that my kids are so close in age. For one they pretty much go through the same crap at the same time so I can talk to the others about how to better help the one that may be struggling with an issue. And two when they finally were old enough to be self sufficient it all happened pretty fast. Now that they are all older I feel like they are the reason I can get through the hubs being gone so much.

Have a specific time in the evening when the two of you can sit down together and speak freely. The good, bad and ugly!!! Be open to listen to each other's feelings calmly and rationally. Know that as mothers, we are also human. Our kids frustrate us so bad but they are just tiny helpless humans and we tend to take those frustrations out on the big people in our lives simply because we know they can handle it. By the time my kids were preteens I would talk to the hubs at lunch and tell him to save some energy because he was going to have to dig four large holes when he got home. I was seriously going to choke them all out. Now they are all taller than me and that just makes it easier to pop them upside the head when they are being butt holes.

Talk, Talk Talk. That is what I always say. Don't let things boil inside until they become more than they really are. We as women are good at that.

Let her go to the store alone when you are home with the kids. Or better yet, try your hardest to have a date night. Date night doesn't always require money and a babysitter. Plan a late dinner picnic on the bed and a movie on a night before your day off. You will both probably fall asleep 20 minutes into the movie but that's okay. You will laugh about it later. One gesture like that will last in her heart and mind for WEEKS!!!!!!!!

She LOVES you for all of your efforts outside of the home and you love her for all of hers inside. It is important that you take care of being husband and wife just as much as mom and dad. We as parents have an obligation to teach our children that a healthy loving relationship is just as important as working hard and paying bills. The kids are going to one day move on to be great moms or dad of their own, and you still want to like each other when that happens. That is when the REAL fun begins!!! I promise it will come a whole lot faster than you think.

Hell I will give her my number and she can vent all she needs lol. I can tell her stories that will make her laugh till she cries, or cry til she laughs either one. Us crazy moms have to stick together!!!

HOS:

Hours Of Service

HOS refers to the logbook hours of service regulations.
Rob T.'s Comment
member avatar

I didn't mean I was going to disappear as a bad thing, I don't want to take anything away from this section of the forum that's meant to help female drivers and wives of drivers that deal with more specific needs than the men on the forum can help with.

Thank you very much for such a detailed post. It was VERY eye opening and nice to see that what's happening is normal. It completely makes sense that the feeling of guilt comes out as she becomes less patient around the holidays or birthdays and she hates not being able to get me anything. Even though she has access to our checking account and credit cards she still feels it isn't the same which is understandable. She loves being home with the kids but gets frustrated with having hardly any adult interaction as it's been too cold and snowy here (iowa) to get outside and do most things.

Again, thank you for such a detailed response as it's definitely allowed me to see things from the other side. She tries to avoid bringing up negativity because she knows I'm working so much and she feels like she isn't contributing. What she often forgets is what she's doing for our children is worth MUCH more than the money I'm bringing home.

SAP:

Substance Abuse Professional

The Substance Abuse Professional (SAP) is a person who evaluates employees who have violated a DOT drug and alcohol program regulation and makes recommendations concerning education, treatment, follow-up testing, and aftercare.

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