I May Have To Make A Choice.....

BK, many people would consider that a controversial statement, but I will back you up on that one. Although loyalty is critical amongst people who truly have each other's best interests at heart, being loyal to someone who isn't equally loyal to you is a recipe for trouble.

I won't disagree with the others who say always put family first, because that may be what's best for them. I personally don't think that applies to all families, though.

As always, with cases of life-or-death, this decision is intensely personal and I'm sorry this is happening, NaeNaeInNC. Do what's best for you. There are no easy answers for this.

Thank you, Brett. I just was concerned that Naenae would feel pressured to act in a certain way, but there is no way anybody knows enough to criticize her final decision. I will be interested in seeing how this plays out for her and I hope she will keep us posted.

This is ultimately what it is coming down to. Sacrifice my mental health and independence, in the name of family loyalty to have one more day? Yes I love my mother. Will watching her go through this, while actively fighting my father, will that cause more destruction that I need to recover from. I have had the "luxury" of grieving for the person she was, once the dementia took her ability to identify us. I'm just kind of lost and confused between "should do" and "need to."

But she has made it clear that she has a prickly relationship with her family, on this thread and previous threads. It’s obvious that she is struggling with what to do.

If it helps any, I had to make a choice between taking care of my brother, who had been in a catastrophic accident, he had been ran over as a pedestrian, the vehicle backed up back over him and fled the scene. He also suffers from diabetes and continually goes low, it's very difficult to manage his sugar levels. We also had a business together.

In his case, he was at the point that he could stand on his own two feet. He resents me to this day for it, but I made the choice to put me first in going into trucking. It's one of the reasons that I push to be successful in this so hard.

I have the choice every day to stay home and basically not have to work with my gal, she has a home business that's very lucrative. I can't and won't. The freedom of the road and my life, doing what I need to for me comes first after taking care of family for years.

I have no regrets other than I didn't do it sooner in life.

Naenae, what choice will give you the most peace of mind?

“Should” is just another SH word.

Don’t worry about what other people think. Nobody knows all the considerations except you. If you keep your job and keep from turning your world upside down, that may be the best thing you can do. Sometimes doing nothing is the best choice.

I'll just share my experience, no suggestion on what is right for you.

When my mom died in 2004 I had seen her many times over recent months, largely because she was undergoing cancer treatment which was then suspended and then pain management doctor, etc. I had seen her the night before she died under hospice care. No regrets with anything, but I lived and worked close by and it was relatively easy to be there for her.

My dad died in June 2020 in the midst of the pandemic and had been staying in a care home for about a year. Because of safety protocols, visiting was restricted but I still visited about twice a week. Dad also had dementia pretty bad but fully recognized me but didn't always know what I did for a living or even once forgot he had been a farmer all of his life (it was not just a job for him, it was who he was, for the most part). Even though Michael had been off to college before starting his trucking career he always asked how Michael was doing. I had not seen dad for about two weeks when he died but had planned to be there in about one hour before his passing. I was busy doing farm work and had just finished irrigating and had just turned off the pump when I got the call. I had planned to shower and head over there so I often wished I had the chance to get there to see him one more time. I still think about that very often, a missed opportunity. But it's not something I regret, it is something beyond control. My dad was proud of what I was doing and I still think of him very frequently because of the many lessons I learned from him. The same goes with my mom, how she taught me cooking, some gardening, etc. Those are things that will last forever ****il my mind goes, I suppose) so those are more important to me than the visits during the final days or weeks.

Prayers to you and your family for comfort and peace.

So sorry to hear about your mom NaeNae. I can’t really offer any advice but I hope you are able to make a decision you can have peace with

NaeNae,

My mom passed away from dementia in 2021 at age 92. I got the call from hospice that she was "actively passing" as I was driving home from Knight's Top Gun in Phoenix. This was on a Friday. They said she had been actively passing since that Monday. I asked them how long she had and they said less than 72 hours. I got home Saturday morning and went to see her that afternoon. I planned to go back on Sunday afternoon and got the call that she had passed about 30 minutes before I was going to go see her.

The point of this story is that if your mom is in hospice care, they should be able to tell the difference between her general decline and actively passing. If you wanted to stay on the road but make it to her before the end ask hospice about this and request that they call you as soon as she is actively passing, and ask for a time frame.

As for if you "should" be there - only you can answer that, and you have to answer to no one for your decision.

Gotta be with family. Money is needed to support yourself, but there are ways to figure out the finances from missed income. Don't let yourself live with the "What if I had..." It's not something that you can get back. Work will always be there, but our relationships won't because people don't last forever.

I have a different take on the “family is everything” philosophy. Family is not always everything or all important. And if Naenae decides to keep driving instead of going home, she should not have a guilt trip. It seems to me that the thrust of this conversation is that she should do the “family loyalty” thing. But she has made it clear that she has a prickly relationship with her family, on this thread and previous threads. It’s obvious that she is struggling with what to do. If she chooses to just continue with her status quo, that would not be a bad decision. It’s her choice and decision to make and whatever decision she makes will probably prove to be right for her.

I say all this because I have come to realize, after years of family turmoil, that none of us pick out family members. They are picked by factors over which we have no control. I have two sisters who are selfish, self centered people with no empathy for less fortunate people. I have no desire to ever see them again and I feel no guilt because of my thinking on this subject.

You can’t pick your family. You can pick your friends. My trucking community means more to me than my family ever has or ever will.

You are right, BK. Maybe I didn't word it the best, or maybe I actually put myself in the situation and responded that way. Either way, thanks for having my back in bringing in a different perspective.

I think I'm going to stay out. I was able to get to her three days after the stroke, and spent 5 days with her. I was able to stop through under a load, for two hours in February. After thinking through my father's actions towards me during those times, it's better that I don't subject myself to that.

Mom made her decision to marry him, and remain with him a long dang time ago. Living through the end of her life, includes the consequences of her choices. As heartbreaking as it is, I have to just step back, and let her be.

She can parrot yes or no. She can stand, if you hang onto her with the gait belt. If you ask a question, she knows that she should respond and has gibberish come out. It's hell seeing her like that, at only 68.

Let this be a warning to everyone. Take care of sleep Apnea , take care of diabetes, take care of your high blood pressure.

This is a quick snap from the Thanksgiving before I started driving. She is losing height, and no longer reaches my shoulder. 💔

You have made the right decision and she is ALWAYS with you. Continuing prayers for your family ❤️❤️❤️